Today I received my second international letter from my dear friend Christa who is doing good work in the bottom corner of Peru.  Her script was not nearly as beautiful but the words she put down more than made up for it.  Unbeknown to either of us, we both had sent each other something a couple of weeks ago and both arrived within 24 hours of each other.  So we caught each other online and expressed our surprise and thanks in a splendidly reciprocal way.  I’m so blessed to know her and have her in my life.

Future reference, care packages are not expensive to ship, but they certainly aren’t cheap.  I guess this explains why I NEVER EVER EVER got one from my mom (hint hint).  Yes, she took care of me when I needed money or food when I came home but there’s something special about mail.  I actually would never have been annoyed by it except she said she would.  Sigh.  I guess I’ll just spend the 30 bucks to go home and see them in person.  Perhaps when I’m living in South America or Middle Asia or Western Europe I’ll get a box entitled:  20 years in the making, ENJOY!

One of the ways I can more fully seek the answers to what is truth is to listen to what other seekers have discovered. Here is a video of a woman who explains how it feels to have a stroke. You may not agree with her spiritual premise, but then again, when was the last time you suffered a brain hemorrhage? It’s amazing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyyjU8fzEYU

The other person I want to tell you about today is Julian of Norwich. She’s a 14th century English mystic that has some MIND-Blowing stuff to say. In studying the history of Christians, I’m amazed at how insightful so many of these people were. I’m also surprised at how few people know and even fewer people read them. A couple of plugs for Julian. She was the first woman to write a book in English. She wasn’t afraid to use Mother for God at times. She lived through the bubonic plague, barely. Here’s a excerpt from the paper I just wrote on her.

“For in the sight of God all men are one man, and one man is all men. This man was injured in his powers and made most feeble, and in his understanding he was amazed, because he was diverted from looking on his lord, but his will was preserved in God’s sight. I saw the lord commend and approve him for his will, but he himself was blinded and hindered from knowing this will.” This theology expresses that while we humans may be ignorant of the events around us, God is forever caring for us and preserving us for (His) good will. “And then I saw that only pain blames and punishes, and our courteous Lord comforts and succours, and always he is kindly disposed to the soul, loving and longing to bring us to his bliss.” This is the heart of Julian’s theology.

Because God protects with compassion and is always “kindly disposed to the soul,” this opens up avenues for questions about why are suffering and evil in the world. “But then this is our comfort, that we know in our faith that by the power of Christ who is our protector we never assent to [tribulation and woe], but we complain about it, and endure in pain and in woe, praying until the time that he shows himself again to us.” For Julian, the answer to this is simple: God is glorified greater in contrast to suffering than without it. “Therefore [the servant/Christ] greatly rejoices in his falling, for the raising on high and the fullness of bliss which mankind has come to, exceeding what we should have if he had not fallen.” This reader feels like much of this theological understanding relies on one key principle.

God lives in us. “He made man’s soul to be his own city and his dwelling place, which is the most pleasing to him of all his works.” It is at this point of the story between the lord and the servant that understanding of the framework can truly begin. The lord will sit in rest and wait unsatisfied until the servant returns from the gardening with the perfect food perfectly prepared. It is the work of the second and third Persons of the Trinity that while equal with God are sowing and reaping the field of humanity for the glory of the Lord. And why is it important that we be saved? Because God is not complete without the niche (He) has created in humanity for (Himself). This is a monumental realization for Julian to have and certainly would have resulted in her excommunication if she had not been a anchoress hermit.

As a mystic, she believed in universal salvation that possibly manifested itself beyond the reality of hell - I think. Not sure about how that worked. But she is a fascinating character that spent her entire life meditating on the truth of sixteen visions she saw.

So I say go after it, whatever you value most in life. Learn what it is for you. Seek it in others as well as what other have learned in their own searches. If it happens to be truth, like me, then let me know and we can perhaps journey a bit together.

So besides the fact that I am addicted to music, I can’t just walk away from Kelly when she sings. I try to tell myself to breakaway from this pop, girly music but I just can’t. Her music fills my soul. I ask myself what beautiful disaster is she creating now every time my shuffle list hits one of hers? Kelly, why do you haunt me so? Why do you torment me so? I am here for you and yet you’re gone. I love you. There…I said it. Now you know where I stand Kelly. But I ask you, where is YOUR heart? We were born not 10 miles from each other only months apart. You may not know it, but it is because of you I never stray to far from the sidewalk. I can’t get hurt anymore. Never again. Profess your affection for me. You know you feel it too. Surely every time I listen to your voice fill my December, my April, my everymonth, you feel that connection too. Three months and I’m still sober after all my pain missing you. I hate myself for losing you and I want you back. Come to me Kelly! I’ll be the man you dreamed of and sang so many songs against. If you feel you just missed the train, never fear. I will always be here waiting for you. I will love you for more than your life-changing voice. I will love for you for what’s behind those hazel eyes.

The night started off with Sarah and I going to dinner at a nice Chinese restaurant called August Moon. We were already dressed up for the prom (still sounds weird to say that) and apparently weren’t the only ones. Our waitress toward the end of the meal asked if prom or something else was going on. Both of us kinda smiled thinking there’s no way this woman actually thinks we’re still in high school. We explained we too were going to a school formal but it was GRAD school. Well, because no one else joined us for dinner and there was no wait, we finished pretty early. Back to the campus we went and believe it or not, I took a nap.

I know most of you can believe it.

I didn’t mean to sleep so long but my alarm didn’t disturb my slumber. At around 10, I jumped up, got dressed again, and made it in time to hear the prom court pronouncements. I missed the “family fun” time and actually was supposed to be bartending starting at 10. Alas, Shawn Thomas was already there and he too has much bartending experience. So he took command and I didn’t mind. This meant I could dance more once I got worked in.

I say I have to get my nerve up to dance because I actually get performance anxiety. I know I CAN do well but with all the people watching I forget that it’s fun. I always eventually remember and really get into it but that often has more to do with the music than anything. The music was fine but not great for me. I just really don’t prefer modern rap. If it’s complicated with subtle undertones and good vocals then yeah, that’s sweet. But otherwise I would just rather talk to people off the dance floor. Sarah, as my date and friend, saw it as her duty to continually pull me off my bum and back onto the floor. I suppose I’m grateful for this because otherwise I might not have eventually “remembered.” By the end of the night I was enjoying dancing as the event, instead of an event that happened to have dancing.

We used my speakers for the sound system and I was please to share. As you may recall these are the speakers that have caused a small earthquake and disgruntled neighbors. The sub I never even plug in anymore in my apartment was ROCKING the place last night. 230W goes a long way. I was most proud of my receiver. It’s a Pioneer 6.1 system that I got like 8 years and three moves ago and it never missed a beat.

Let’s see…what else was of note… Jonathan wore his kilt and Scottish garb. There was salmon and other decent foods that I really didn’t see because it was in the dark. We had a guy do professional pictures. I don’t know if we’ll get them or if it was just for the show. Above the dance floor were Christmas lights that added a neat atmospheric touch. And it was hot as balls. It was great seeing everyone there of all ages, places, and positions of the seminary. We’ll being doing this again.

Speaking of warming up, the weather certainly has and with it came pollen. Last week I mentioned my allergies and they have lessened but the pollen is just COVERING everything. In the last three weeks of school I have 7 papers, 5 tests, and no freaking out to do. Hmmm, riiight.

Thanks Wikipedia.

So I’ve been allergic to stuff my whole life. Mostly it’s normal things like pet dander, ragweed, dust, seafood, and all of my reactions have been epidermic. I developed hives that would move around my body and itch like crazy. If for whatever reason, mold or smoke was exceptionally bad I might sneeze but this was rare. So in sixth grade I saw an allergist and he told me the 60 things I was allergic to. I took Benadryl for the longest time but its affect lessened over the years. Then I cycled on Zyrtec, Claritin, and Allegra all trying to find what worked best for me. Turns out the most expensive of the three was indeed the best. It killed my indoor, outdoor, and food allergies all the while lasting the longest. They all claim to be 24 hour drugs but that is an average. For me Zyrtec lasted the longest at about 22. So Zyrtec it was. And we paid for it. The insurance kept paying less and less of the asking price so it kept going up and up for us. By the time I was out of college the price was stupid. So I went back to Claritin, but not the “real” stuff but the Kroger kind. It worked just as well as normal Claritin and was MUCH MUCH cheaper. So I’ve been taking that for about a year now and about a week ago it hit me. I sneeze hugely about every 10-20 minutes. I have a nearly constant runny nose, my right eye itches (this NEVER happened before), but no hives. I don’t understand what my body is trying to tell me but I assumed it was that the generic Claritin wasn’t cutting it anymore. Obviously this also coincides with the beginning of warm weather, lots of blooming, and having the windows open a lot. So I went to Kroger tonight and bought some authentic, good-stuff Zyrtec (FINALLY without a prescription and prescription prices!). I hope it starts working soon because I lived with this my whole life and I hate to see it actually get worse.

The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America does a study on the worst allergy places to live every year and this year’s Loser is Lexington, Ky. So I guess it’s good I moved away to only number 21! William, I apparently was quoting last year’s numbers. If you look at the “Rank Last Year” column there’s not too much consistency with this year’s so I wonder if this thing changes all the time and really it’s relative or cyclical. After all, what I’m allergic to in Lexington, I may have gotten used to but moving to Louisville actually is worse for me. The same could go for someone moving from pollen-infested Augusta, GA, to sunny San Diego and having new allergies kick in. So I wouldn’t put too much stock in this other than knowing more people in the last year had allergy issues in Lexington than anywhere else in the country. (Either that or we just have more allergy doctors!)

Cole Pence, an old friend sent me a text the other day asking if I had seen the recent movie Revolver. I said no and I hadn’t even heard of it (because it wasn’t released in the US). He said it was awesome and right up my alley. So I just watched it and he was pretty close to right. A bit heavy on the cussing for my taste but the plot was great. Guy Ritchie wrote and directed the flick and I haven’t been impressed with the intricacies of a plot in a while. Aspects of the film aren’t original but the way they are woven is both stylistically and intellectually stimulating. I think I understand it all but a couple of the “answers” could go one way or another. I really won’t give anything away because I believe most movies, especially ones like this, need to be seen without foreknowledge of anything in the film. Just know is rated R for a reason, but not gratuitous. It’s still wiggin’ me out a bit it was so thick. Perhaps my dreams tonight will reveal something in the movie I didn’t catch. Afterwards, I watched drank chocolate milk, ate a homemade frisco melt, and watched Space Jam.

Anyway, I woke up and had a bite to eat and jumped into a car with Emily, Marie, and Sarah to head off for the day’s festivities to begin. Jonathan chose to opt out of having fun because he thought it might be irresponsible to neglect two papers more than he already had. So we went to Adam and Essie’s place closer to downtown and met up with them, Rachel, Brianne, Jennifer, and some peeps I had never met. So as the eight of us walked the couple of miles to the Louisville Slugger Stadium, we enjoyed the warmest weather of the day - 50. It didn’t take too long of sitting at the stadium to make me wish I had worn better (or at least more) clothes.

The Bats are the AAA affiliate of the Cincinnati (I still sing the song from Babes in Toyland to spell it) Reds and handled the Pawtucket Red Sox 3-1. Our seats were on a sloping lawn that reminded me of UVa’s stadiums. We did had some blankets and cuddled up for most of the game. It will never cease to amaze me how much money we spend/waste on stadium food. I was VERY conservative and only spent $8 on the day. I say day because after the game was over, we were just beginning.

After the game we had five hours until the fireworks. Fortunately Thunder over Louisville isn’t just the biggest fireworks display in North America. It is also an air show featuring dozens of jets, fighter planes, helicopters, and even a Harrier. The Harriers are the jets that have thrust vectoring (the engine rotates) and one of them actually did a vertical take off for the crowd. I remember once hearing that they initially cost $2 BILLION a piece in the 80s! My friends were not nearly as impressed with the showcase of might and power. Ryan Bradney actually chose not to come due to the fact that much of the day was an advertisement for the military. Emily actually was appalled that children were playing in and around some tanks they had set up. I asked her why and her simple but convicted answer and the consensus of my friends was, “Tanks KILL people.” The wow factor of technology and power still override my passion for the sanctity of all life to this extent. Plus, I’m not a pacifist at heart. I wish I didn’t enjoy violence, but I do. I just wish we could be violent without causing people permanent harm.

Another thing I will never stop being amazed by are jet planes. First of all, the NOISE! If any of you have been around me when really good bass is being utilized well, you know I get excited. Now imagine seeing FIRE exit the back of a large piece of metal that’s FLYING and hearing - no FEELING - the tremendous power of sonic vibrations! Ah, I feel good already. Secondly, there are people in those planes and those people are flying. If I could have any super power it would be to fly. I will be watching Top Gun very soon.

So after wandering a bit we went back to the stadium and waited. Anticipating rain, we moved our stuff under an awning in the actual seats and waited some more. There was lots of food eaten, some card games played, and just general hanging out. As dusk rolled in, there was a country/bluegrass/jam band concert that became quite enjoyable. I’m not at all into country, especially the twangy kind, but this group had a good variety. That ended a bit before 9 and we had some more time to chill.

Adam and I decided to search for a better spot to watch the soon-to-be fireworks. I said left and he said up. So we did both and got the rest of our people into the seats just in time. So yes, the fireworks were HUGE and it lasted 28 minutes. The reason why this is the biggest is that there are two sets of fireworks going off at the same time. So it would be like going to a normal big show that happen to last for AN HOUR! This is the 19th year they’ve done “Thunder” and lately it’s been attracting over a million people. We in the stadium were only a very small handful. Most of the people were down on the riverfront. This year because of the cold and moment of rain was probably a couple hundred thousand less. But still it was packed.

Thunder is the kick of of Kentucky Derby Festivals and was an awesome way to spend a Saturday. We walked back to Adam and Essie’s and drove home after watching the most recent episode of the Office. A long day indeed. The short clip below is what I filmed of the last part of the fireworks. Not the greatest quality but you’ll understand how massive these explosions were. When I got back Jonathan was still working on one of his papers and said he could hear the fireworks easily three and a half miles away. One of the Louisville guide websites put it like this for the average visitor: “You may be surrounded by strangers that are standing closer to you than you care for, you may be covered in ash and soot when the show concludes, and you may sit in your car for three hours in a parking garage trying to get home, but you’ll smile through all of it and swear to go back next year.”

I am amazed, surprised, affected, astonished, astounded, bewildered, blown away, dazed, dumbfounded, electrified, flabbergasted, impressed, moved, shocked, staggered, startled, stricken, stunned, stupefied, and most importantly, touched.

I doubt you’ll read this, but thank you.

In physics, speed is the absolute value of velocity. Velocity has direction while speed only has movement. In velocity you can go either positive direction or negative direction with the difference being where you put the arbitrary parameter of zero. Speed on the other hand has only positive numbers. It cares not about where you are going but only how quickly or slowly.

In life we worry so much about direction we many times forget to enjoy the simple fact that we are moving. This truth can radicalize the way we live life. My dad is pretty postmodern and will tell me that the present is much much much more important than either the past or the future. He will almost never be a destination person but focuses on the journey. He loves life more than almost anyone I know and I believe one of the reasons is that he has discovered the difference between speed and velocity. Not that he would EVER put it that way. Science? That’s what makes him able to drive his Prius and blog on Myspace.

Last week I spoke about my “depression.” I still put it in quotations because there’s no way that loaded, clinical word is clinically accurate in my case. Since I wrote that I have actively engaged people in social settings and really haven’t shied away from people at all. In fact, I feel more extroverted than I’ve ever been. I’m going to class, so that’s good. Now all I have to do is write the papers needed to not fail. OK……go……wait, I’m still here.

Since the new year I’ve been thinking about change, both how people change in general and how I specifically change. Change is not always growth. Change can be negative or positive while growth is only positive. But change in my life has pretty much always been associated with growth. Much of this has to do with my perspective on truth. I know I can learn something from every situation in order to make myself a fuller human. I know someone that says she has to live in a constant state of change. However for her, reflection and insight don’t always accompany her flux so she often spirals both positively and negatively. It is difficult for us to not moralize each others’ paths for they are so fundamentally different from our own. In any case, our brains work differently so I chalk it up to that.

I hope you enjoy the new site design. This is much closer to what I want out of a site and Ryan was able to get paid while setting it up, so it’s a win-win situation! The picture in the background will change from time to time so be sure to come back!

1.  I have no motivation to do anything apart from survival, pleasure, and to make others happy.  Wow, am I apathetic. - Behavioral

2.  Instead of working/making calls/preparing for things I sleep/internet/music/eat. - Behavioral

3.  My spiritual life is the least spiritual it perhaps has ever been. - Behavioral/Insight

4.  Before coming to LPTS I embarked on the most independent and adventurous time of my life.  Since arriving I can’t quite feel right. - Event

5.  I had my heart healed and burned hard core with all the life expectations that come with that. - Event

6.  My discovery that my primary two ways of feeling loved are pretty much NEVER met. - Insight

7.  LPTS is an adult learning place where everyone is expected to give their best but no one has to.  I have no convincing accountability to have a work ethic. - Insight

So there’s a small list of reasons why I’m not doing well.  From the perspective of positive psychologists, I’m not flourishing because none of the my big three are being met:  I’m not feeling truly loved and connected, my work barely feels like a calling (only time is when I’m actually in the room with clients), and I don’t really feel a part of something greater than myself.  I’ve had one, two, and even all three at times and let me tell you that it can be wonderful!  Without any of them, I flounder and die.  If I have even one of them I can self-motivate until the cows come home.  I’ve learned to do that.  Right now, I just don’t.

If you feel sorry for me, don’t.  I don’t want pity.  I want people actively engaged in my life.  Everyone has their own junk and it sucks that it turns out I’m dependent on someone caring about me enough to sacrifice their own to energize me.  In turn I can of course energize them and the world, but I need a jumpstart and I can’t ask anyone to do that.  I’ve always been a little like this.  No one here cares that much and everyone else is not close enough to do the things required.  I’ve been running on low since I got here and now I my tank is empty.

If this sounds like the ramblings of a man overwhelmed with grief or sadness, then you haven’t been paying attention.  I have neither.  I’m just…well…empty.   Holy crap, I just looked empty up in a thesaurus and the first two definitions were void and fruitless.  That is truly how I feel (illogically so)!  Ecclesiastes comes to mind.  MAN!  I hated that book.

So I was presented with a list of attributes that I was supposed to say which four my friends were most likely to give me from this list.  Here is the list:   Good Listener, Modest, Respectful, Affectionate, Caring, Spontaneous, Physically, Fit, Warm, Outgoing, Optimistic, Dependable, Romantic, Creative, Loyal, Spiritual, Kind, Ambitious, Articulate, Rational, Easy-Going, Generous, Happy, Quiet, Genuine, Intelligent, Hard Working, Thoughtful, Sweet, Passionate, Energetic, Funny, and Perceptive.  I of course would like all 33 of them attributed to me but the question is which four stick out to others.  Well, I asked a few and here’s what I got:  Spiritual – 5, Intelligent – 4, Perceptive – 4, Thoughtful – 4, Good listener – 3, Hard Working – 2, Passionate – 2, Articulate – 2, Spontaneous – 2, Genuine – 2, Loyal – 1, Creative – 1, Generous – 1, Physically Fit – 1, Optimistic – 1, Kind – 1, and Funny – 1.  I was pleased and surprised that I received such a variety of responses.  That tells me that I at least possess some of all of these and certain people see them in me.  I noted many of my friends saw in me some of their own strongest attributes and that is perhaps why (among other reasons) we are friends.  Before I surveyed them I had of course answered the question myself.  I did my best to be objective and apparently I did well in this regard.  I picked Intelligent, Perceptive, Funny, and Spiritual.  And if you asked me to be beyond honest, I might say that I want to be funnier than I am.  I at least think I’m funny!  I really didn’t think I cared about reputation too much but it turns out I do and just don’t worry about it because most people like me and see in me what I see in myself.  That for me is the definition of authenticity.  Reputation for me is intertwined with integrity and THAT I deeply care about.

So yesterday I was driving on the highway and my “driving sense” went off.  I knew something was different and I should be on alert.  About a mile further down the road I came up on and slowly passed a funeral procession.  On Silent Saturday dozens of cars worth of people were going to a graveside to bury someone they loved.  As I thought came up on the last car in the caravan my eyes started to well up.  The weather was cold and overcast.  Everything about this day was utterly gray.  I had just woken up and really not thought too much about the significance of the weekend yet.  I started to cry without much warning.  Jesus for this one whole day in existence was dead.  My Savior and Redeemer and Lover and Friend and King and Holy God was dead.  I wept for Him.  I suffered in His pain and agony for the weight of my sin.  This is how I need to release my anxiety in life I said to myself.  God grant me a moment of tears every week.  Touch me in an emotional and physical way.  “…For we do not mourn as those who have no hope…”  What about the family I’m riding beside?  Do they have hope? “…I am the Resurrection and the Life…”  My God, my God, I have forsaken You!  “…I love you with all My heart…”  Thank you so much…can I just absorb You love right now?  Can I simply allow myself to receive it?  What would it look like for me to simply give it?  That would be truly honoring Your Name.

BTW, I’m officially in the CPE program at U of L Hospital this summer.