DStilled

Discontent and Unrest

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Some have speculated that I am depressed.  I think this is quite possible.  Let’s look at the facts shall we.

1.  I have no motivation to do anything apart from survival, pleasure, and to make others happy.  Wow, am I apathetic. - Behavioral

2.  Instead of working/making calls/preparing for things I sleep/internet/music/eat. - Behavioral

3.  My spiritual life is the least spiritual it perhaps has ever been. - Behavioral/Insight

4.  Before coming to LPTS I embarked on the most independent and adventurous time of my life.  Since arriving I can’t quite feel right. - Event

5.  I had my heart healed and burned hard core with all the life expectations that come with that. - Event

6.  My discovery that my primary two ways of feeling loved are pretty much NEVER met. - Insight

7.  LPTS is an adult learning place where everyone is expected to give their best but no one has to.  I have no convincing accountability to have a work ethic. - Insight

So there’s a small list of reasons why I’m not doing well.  From the perspective of positive psychologists, I’m not flourishing because none of the my big three are being met:  I’m not feeling truly loved and connected, my work barely feels like a calling (only time is when I’m actually in the room with clients), and I don’t really feel a part of something greater than myself.  I’ve had one, two, and even all three at times and let me tell you that it can be wonderful!  Without any of them, I flounder and die.  If I have even one of them I can self-motivate until the cows come home.  I’ve learned to do that.  Right now, I just don’t.

If you feel sorry for me, don’t.  I don’t want pity.  I want people actively engaged in my life.  Everyone has their own junk and it sucks that it turns out I’m dependent on someone caring about me enough to sacrifice their own to energize me.  In turn I can of course energize them and the world, but I need a jumpstart and I can’t ask anyone to do that.  I’ve always been a little like this.  No one here cares that much and everyone else is not close enough to do the things required.  I’ve been running on low since I got here and now I my tank is empty.

If this sounds like the ramblings of a man overwhelmed with grief or sadness, then you haven’t been paying attention.  I have neither.  I’m just…well…empty.   Holy crap, I just looked empty up in a thesaurus and the first two definitions were void and fruitless.  That is truly how I feel (illogically so)!  Ecclesiastes comes to mind.  MAN!  I hated that book.

Death before Truth

So I read a bit on Easter and here’s what I got:  Christians have been celebrating Passover and Jesus’ resurrection pretty much since it happened.  At first lots of people did it their own way and this of course got some of the “religious” folk up in arms.  By the first Council of Nicea in 325 most Christians were celebrating the resurrection on the Sunday after Passover, which moves (full moon on/after vernal equinox), instead of celebrating on Passover itself.  Basically this was done to separate from the Jewish sect a bit more and people caught on.  The Eastern Christian church still uses a word from the Hebrew for Passover while the Western Church has adopted the term “Easter” from a month named after a pagan goddess that coincided with the time of Passover and resurrection.  This is debatable but sounds certainly sounds like something those 9th century Germanic theologians would have done (perhaps even earlier - Charlemagne?).  The Easter Bunny also comes from this pagan goddess of fertility.  The goddess changed a bird into a rabbit that could still lay eggs.  Random?  Why not.

So I was presented with a list of attributes that I was supposed to say which four my friends were most likely to give me from this list.  Here is the list:   Good Listener, Modest, Respectful, Affectionate, Caring, Spontaneous, Physically, Fit, Warm, Outgoing, Optimistic, Dependable, Romantic, Creative, Loyal, Spiritual, Kind, Ambitious, Articulate, Rational, Easy-Going, Generous, Happy, Quiet, Genuine, Intelligent, Hard Working, Thoughtful, Sweet, Passionate, Energetic, Funny, and Perceptive.  I of course would like all 33 of them attributed to me but the question is which four stick out to others.  Well, I asked a few and here’s what I got:  Spiritual – 5, Intelligent – 4, Perceptive – 4, Thoughtful – 4, Good listener – 3, Hard Working – 2, Passionate – 2, Articulate – 2, Spontaneous – 2, Genuine – 2, Loyal – 1, Creative – 1, Generous – 1, Physically Fit – 1, Optimistic – 1, Kind – 1, and Funny – 1.  I was pleased and surprised that I received such a variety of responses.  That tells me that I at least possess some of all of these and certain people see them in me.  I noted many of my friends saw in me some of their own strongest attributes and that is perhaps why (among other reasons) we are friends.  Before I surveyed them I had of course answered the question myself.  I did my best to be objective and apparently I did well in this regard.  I picked Intelligent, Perceptive, Funny, and Spiritual.  And if you asked me to be beyond honest, I might say that I want to be funnier than I am.  I at least think I’m funny!  I really didn’t think I cared about reputation too much but it turns out I do and just don’t worry about it because most people like me and see in me what I see in myself.  That for me is the definition of authenticity.  Reputation for me is intertwined with integrity and THAT I deeply care about.

So yesterday I was driving on the highway and my “driving sense” went off.  I knew something was different and I should be on alert.  About a mile further down the road I came up on and slowly passed a funeral procession.  On Silent Saturday dozens of cars worth of people were going to a graveside to bury someone they loved.  As I thought came up on the last car in the caravan my eyes started to well up.  The weather was cold and overcast.  Everything about this day was utterly gray.  I had just woken up and really not thought too much about the significance of the weekend yet.  I started to cry without much warning.  Jesus for this one whole day in existence was dead.  My Savior and Redeemer and Lover and Friend and King and Holy God was dead.  I wept for Him.  I suffered in His pain and agony for the weight of my sin.  This is how I need to release my anxiety in life I said to myself.  God grant me a moment of tears every week.  Touch me in an emotional and physical way.  “…For we do not mourn as those who have no hope…”  What about the family I’m riding beside?  Do they have hope? “…I am the Resurrection and the Life…”  My God, my God, I have forsaken You!  “…I love you with all My heart…”  Thank you so much…can I just absorb You love right now?  Can I simply allow myself to receive it?  What would it look like for me to simply give it?  That would be truly honoring Your Name.

BTW, I’m officially in the CPE program at U of L Hospital this summer.

Crying Dragons Eat Snow for their Birthdays

At the end of this post, I’ve put some pictures of the wonderful snowfall here at LPTS. I got to go sledding, snow-angeling, and general trudging through deep (for us!) powder. Two days later it of course all melted and we were under a flash flood warning, but it was nice while it lasted. Some pictures I wish I had were me flying 7 feet off a ramp I built and then landing face first. When a long haired, bearded man face plants into snow, he transforms from Jesus to Santa almost instantly. Hmm…Jesus IS Santa. Wait…Santa is spelled using the same letters as Satan. Mild ponderings…

I was listening to the rock station on the radio a couple of weeks ago and heard a RIDICULOUS song by a band called Dragonforce. First off, I wholeheartedly loved the name. Second, I don’t know if I’ve ever heard such fast paced enjoyable rock. Imagine Metallica/Van Halen/DDR. Normally when good rock hits me, it’s in a minor key but this was lively and made me smile. The vocals are straight out of the big hair 80s but you adjust quickly. Their song I heard was Through the Fire and Flames. When I got back to my apt, I looked it up and the music video is on Youtube. Just go here to see it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3H4liC2sWg It has over 3 MILLION views because it is just that crazy! I have since found out that they’ve been around for a while and even have a song on Guitar Hero 3 (how people do it, I’m not sure). They do the one thing I wish more bands would do: Jam.

I’ve been cooking for real lately. There’s of course my teriyaki chicken or omelets but I mean more in depth cooking. My group supervision on Tuesdays generally has someone do food for the evening and my two times have been the last two weeks. The first week I made fried chicken wraps, potato wraps, fried rice, and sweet tea (as well as introduce some of the people to Ale8). Last Tuesday I brought delicious quesadillas, blueberry cobbler (with fresh blueberries), and maple-pumpkin cheesecake with caramel. Everything was made from scratch and I was quite proud. I intend to continue cooking when I have more money but it was nice to remember that I do actually enjoy creating deliciousness in the kitchen.

I went to Lexington this weekend where I was able to see so many friends and family. Friday night was the spring play that two of my old small group guys were a part of. They are now seniors and I’m so proud of them! Another’s birthday was Sat so I got to sing to him. Speaking of birthdays, we had a massive birthday party for all the march babies in the group we hang out with. I think there were 8 in all! In order to also celebrate St. Patty’s Day we had great Bangers ‘N Mash and Shepherd’s Pie. It turned into a huge game night with myself playing Settlers of Cattan. Great game that took way too long this time. Sunday, I went to Immanuel and told people about my trip to South Africa I’m taking next January. It’s a traveling seminar class led by professors here at LPTS and will be a fantastic opportunity to see how faith is worked out in a completely different culture.

I cried three times this weekend. 1: Listening to thicker music on the way into town. I was contemplating my goal of absorbing the whole of humanity and got choked up on the sinful power of the human species. 2: I was not enjoying the first service at IBC and really feeling stupid sitting there. Basically I’m telling God I don’t like this, this isn’t a spiritual experience at all, and I should just leave. We started to sing Agnus Dei and I reluctantly stood up with everyone else. In walked Amy’s mom and sister. As soon as I saw Lana a visual was forced into my mind’s eye that I simply couldn’t shake. It had the power of a hallucination for an instant. In the vision, I saw (third person) myself embracing her and bawling. Every bit of anger and frustration left me in that moment and I just cried. 3: Listening to Glad’s My God I Love Thee on the way to my parents’ house. I was thinking why I love God and how it really wasn’t because I was scared of Hell or any other reason. I remembered that really love Him because it is the only response I can have when faced with His love for me. Then I remembered the same about my mom and dad and let a tear fall.

Snow in all its forms

Right now it’s a small blizzard in Looavul. It is beautiful - like my sisters. It’s exploratory weekend here at LPTS and all the people are going to be “blessed” with several inches of powder. Exploratory weekend is the time when lots of perspective seminarians come here and meet people, go to some classes, chapel, and generally gain a feel for what they might get into. I myself did not do EW because I was 500 miles away at UVa at the time. I did make a short individual visit later on but without any fanfare. Tomorrow we are also having a fundraiser auction for the South Africa trip I’m participating with next January. So I hope the snow doesn’t keep too many people away.

Two weekends ago I went skiing on fake snow in WV at Winterplace. Jeremy called me up and asked if I was able to chaperon a youth group skiing trip. I said sure and off I went. There were only three boys on the trip with over 15 girls but one of those boys was Garrett, my brother. It was really nice to spend some time with he and Jeremy both on and off the slopes. I didn’t get to actually ski nearly as much as I would have on my own due to the fact that I took a shift watching everyone’s stuff and I watched over a newbie skiing girl for well over an hour. Also, the lift lines were sooo long that we spent more time standing than anything else. However, I got to do my favorite run there and didn’t fall down all day! As you can see in the picture, it was all INCREDIBLY foggy! Going 30 miles an hour down a slope is not too advised when you can’t see 100 feet in front of you. That’s Garrett on the left too cool to smile.

I really don’t remember weather in KY ever being this moody. It was 70 degrees a couple of days ago! We had melted snow fall from the sky in torrents a few times recently too. I also have been cooking more for real lately. For my group supervision on Tuesday nights, one of us cooks/brings food. Last week I prepared fried chicken wraps, potato wraps, fried rice, sweet tea, and introduced a few of them to Ale-8. This week I’m going to make quesadillas, from scratch marble-pumpkin cheesecake, and from scratch blueberry cobbler. I anticipate a warm reception.

I also applied to the University of Louisville Hospital for a second unit of Clinical Pastoral Education (CPE). I need 500 hours to complete my MFT program at LPTS and it appears that will take a long time. So if I do CPE this summer I will be able to take 100 of those hours and apply them to the MFT ones. This is the most efficient way for me to get my hours and at the same time grow in new and (hopefully) wonderful ways.  UofL Hospital is apparently the only true trauma specialist in the region and so it could be a might scary at times. There’s talk of people going in for on call and having 7 people in a row die on them. Or the pressure of being with someone in the waiting room that’s just witnessed a murder or been raped. Needless to say it won’t always be like that but that kind of exposure is likely. I believe this experience will greatly help me in my pursuit of eventually being on the mission field in developing countries where trauma and violence may be an everyday occurrence. I know it certainly would have been nice to know certain things to help people when I was in Guatemala City. Here’s a picture taken at the end of my last CPE.