Discontent and Unrest

March 31, 2008 on 10:35 pm | In Blog |

I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  Some have speculated that I am depressed.  I think this is quite possible.  Let’s look at the facts shall we.

1.  I have no motivation to do anything apart from survival, pleasure, and to make others happy.  Wow, am I apathetic. - Behavioral

2.  Instead of working/making calls/preparing for things I sleep/internet/music/eat. - Behavioral

3.  My spiritual life is the least spiritual it perhaps has ever been. - Behavioral/Insight

4.  Before coming to LPTS I embarked on the most independent and adventurous time of my life.  Since arriving I can’t quite feel right. - Event

5.  I had my heart healed and burned hard core with all the life expectations that come with that. - Event

6.  My discovery that my primary two ways of feeling loved are pretty much NEVER met. - Insight

7.  LPTS is an adult learning place where everyone is expected to give their best but no one has to.  I have no convincing accountability to have a work ethic. - Insight

So there’s a small list of reasons why I’m not doing well.  From the perspective of positive psychologists, I’m not flourishing because none of the my big three are being met:  I’m not feeling truly loved and connected, my work barely feels like a calling (only time is when I’m actually in the room with clients), and I don’t really feel a part of something greater than myself.  I’ve had one, two, and even all three at times and let me tell you that it can be wonderful!  Without any of them, I flounder and die.  If I have even one of them I can self-motivate until the cows come home.  I’ve learned to do that.  Right now, I just don’t.

If you feel sorry for me, don’t.  I don’t want pity.  I want people actively engaged in my life.  Everyone has their own junk and it sucks that it turns out I’m dependent on someone caring about me enough to sacrifice their own to energize me.  In turn I can of course energize them and the world, but I need a jumpstart and I can’t ask anyone to do that.  I’ve always been a little like this.  No one here cares that much and everyone else is not close enough to do the things required.  I’ve been running on low since I got here and now I my tank is empty.

If this sounds like the ramblings of a man overwhelmed with grief or sadness, then you haven’t been paying attention.  I have neither.  I’m just…well…empty.   Holy crap, I just looked empty up in a thesaurus and the first two definitions were void and fruitless.  That is truly how I feel (illogically so)!  Ecclesiastes comes to mind.  MAN!  I hated that book.

6 Comments »

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  1. Maybe that’ll all change after this weekend.

    Comment by Frith — April 1, 2008 #

  2. Shut your eyes to all the worldly distractions that surround you.

    Not everyone with knowledge has wisdom as wisdom is a gift from God above. Seek Him and His Word. Find time alone with God.

    Check your heart. Be sure that you’ve truly surrendered you heart and your life to Him. If you have not, then you need to get that straight. If you have, you’re not wrong to wonder. You’re still growing in your faith.

    But God is faithful and will put nothing before you that you cannot bear. However you must draw close to Him through prayer and study. You speak to Him in prayer. He answers you through His Word. Do not just open the Bible and read like you would a magazine or website. Pray to Him to guide you to draw you close to Him and give you understanding.

    Start with the Gospel of John. Start over if you think you’ve read it before.

    Nothing else in this world matters except your relationship to Him. Nothing. Not your siblings, your parents, your friends, your school, job, car, music, anything. The joy you experience in those things can only come from a full and complete relationship with your savior Christ Jesus.

    Get that right and everything will fall into place.

    Don’t and nothing ever will.

    Comment by A Friend — April 1, 2008 #

  3. Hey man,

    You’ve articulated the symptoms very well. I believe one of the most important things to do is to talk with our friend Wade much more often than you have been recently scheduled. Working through these things with him will be highly efficient rather than attempting to do this on your own. What you’ve described is normal and makes sense under the multitude of factors that you have laid out. Take advantage of the wonderful resources you have. You’re in my prayers & there’s always an open line here whenever you need it.

    Comment by Dadwell — April 2, 2008 #

  4. Sam’s up by 5 right now. However, I know someone who might make that number 4…..Lucia’s on Facebook. She found me and Todd at almost the same time.

    Comment by Frith — April 3, 2008 #

  5. Hang in there, champ!

    Comment by SammyK — April 6, 2008 #

  6. Hi!

    I’m not sure if this’ll help or not, but I went through the same thing a few years ago. I was in my final semester of college, and only a part time student. I had to leave my job (which provided my base of friends) of four years and find something new. Along with that, I was thinking through major life decisions…or at least the post-college kind.

    At the time, I was taking two courses–one was a leadership course and the book held one of the most encouraging passages I could have read at that time. It may not be as encouraging to you as it was me, but I think that it provided legitimacy to my feelings, which helped.

    Here you are:

    “Transitions have three components: ending, neutral zone, and beginning (Bridges, 1980). The ending is a time of disengagement, disidentification, disenchantment, and disorientation. This is followed by the neutral zone–the most difficult period because it is a time of emptiness, disorganization, and despair. Only by being in this psychological state, however, can we prepare ourselves for a new beginning, but it is often difficult to decide how long to stay in it. New beginnings will be successful only if you have stayed long enough in the neutral zone. Because new beginnings take physical and psychological energy, they will often be troublesome.”

    I can’t remember the author, but the book is called Exploring Leadership.

    Comment by Jennifer Clapp — April 9, 2008 #

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