DStilled

Movies Abstinence

So this silly plan of abstinence continues on. It isn’t real, all of us are going back to whatever it is we are giving up as soon as the three weeks are over, and I’m really torn up inside about making authentic changes. Here’s my continued journal:

1/10
I thought today that I should have given something else up for this period of time. Loud music. It’s something that find difficult to live without. It’s something that has real effects on my health especially long term. So I tried to include an appropriate volume in my ridiculous driving for the latter part of my day. It left me lacking. Like, if I’m going to abstain, then I should have no music in the car. That would be tough for a long period of time. Especially on road trips I take every now and then. I’ve “fasted” from music before and it certainly wasn’t pleasurable, but it did allow me to pray more. A lot more. That’s where I’ve really had some trouble with this whole idea: where do I find the difference between fasting and abstaining? I don’t really know. Hopefully I’ll find that answer in this experiment.
1/11
I went to an AA meeting tonight. Hi. I’m Daniel and I’m a visitor. Hi, Daniel. I actually didn’t say anything because it was a good sized meeting (60 people) with a speaker. They started off having different people read off things about the group and AA. I’m guessing it was all from the Big Book but no one actually was reading from one. It was someone’s “birthday” today so everyone who got up acknowledged it and she spoke briefly with her sponsor. The birthday girl got her two year medallion and had the privilege of choosing the speaker. She chose someone who she had met working at the Healing Place. The speaker’s story was one of denial, normalcy, and eventually recovery. God continually worked and is still working in her life to help others with alcoholism.
It was church. For everyone there it was church. For me, it was church. By all accounts, church is a gathering of people for the purpose of healing. There was community. There was faith. There was an offering. The meeting even took place in a church building. The intimacy and compassion in that room was attractive. I felt ok. It was nice to feel that way amongst strangers. This most definitely won’t be my last meeting.
1/12
Change is a funny thing. We are almost always afraid of it and yet somewhere inside of us we know it’s good. I have a friend who says she needs to live in perpetual change. I think she’s on to something. The problem is that I like being comfortable way too much. And that’s the one thing change isn’t: comfortable. I don’t really feel like writing tonight.
1/13
After reading the change book for a while now, I realized that very few of my “behaviors” that might signify problems are beyond the precontemplation (first) stage. I have one or two in all stages but the vast majority are either termination or precontemplation. What does this mean for me? Well, I suppose it means that I’m apathetic and comfortable, which both seem true enough. I like who I am and where I am so why should I keep changing everything. Even though I know I’ll be better for it.
One of the reasons why I think I’m at this juncture now is that I’ve recently gone through many changes, some of which have altered the very core of me. I’m tired and I want to be left alone for a bit longer. Constantly reading, thinking, and talking about change is bound to lead to some and I just don’t want too much right now. One very positive one that I think will come out of this will hopefully be a local church I can be a part of with friends and everything. I really haven’t had one in quite a while and currently I’m motivated. So this change I would be in the preparation stage. And from what I’m reading, seeing positive feedback from one change will help motivate me to move stages for other changes I want to someday make. God is with me the whole way. I love watching Him work in my life.
1/14
“Have the attitude of Christ, and change the world.” My old pastor said that in a sermon on Sunday talking about Philippians. He said that often change doesn’t occur necessarily through attitudes first, but it sure does help. Sometime we have to do like the paraphrase of CS Lewis: Fake it ‘til you make it. Currently I really don’t want to change any of my behaviors that much. I don’t really want to change my attitude either. However, I know that having the mind of Christ will give me a renaissance. “That He did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped.” Wow. Talk about humble. If I could come even a smidge closer to that my life would be extraordinary.
I wonder what all these psychologists and whatnot would say if that’s the only change I want to make. “Good idea. What would that look like?” Well, I don’t really know. I just know that I need to earnestly seek God’s will for my life through prayer and study of the Bible and the rest will follow. I was talking to some people about what Meyers-Briggs Jesus was. I’m as good as an expert as any to say, and I went with INFP. And according to our protestant, reformed view of the Bible, that does seem to be accurate. So I ask myself, how can I change to be more like that. What positive F and P traits can I work on to be more Christ-like? (I’m INTJ with J borderline) Now, if Christ really was the incarnation of God, then He would most likely have been all positive traits of all eight letters when the times were appropriate but we only have so much to go on from the Gospels. So is the test biased toward INFPs? Is reformed Christianity? I want to seek to change myself into the likeness of Jesus, I would like to have some idea of which direction I’m moving. At least, for the stages of change theory to work it would seem like that is ideal.

I’ve been watching some great old movies lately. Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times. All About Eve. The Sting. One Million Years B.C. Dr. Strangelove or How I Stopped Worrying And Loved The Bomb. Road To Rio. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly. Seven Samurai. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Just catching up on lots of famous or wonderful movies I’ve never seen. I’ve got a bid in for The Jazz Singer on ebay so hopefully I’ll get that on as well. If you have any must sees on your list, please let me know, I would love to expand my culture even further. TTFN!