DStilled

Credit Abstinence

January 9, 2008 on 6:08 pm | In Blog |

Dictionary.com defines abstinence as 1. Forbearance from any indulgence or appetite and 2. Any self-restraint, self-denial, or forbearance. I am currently taking a class on chemical dependency for seminary. Part of the class is to abstain from something for the duration of the course. I thought I’d give you some of my journal’s from the past week to give you an idea of what I’ve been going through.

1/4

I just got back from my first drive since I decided to abstain from any traffic violations. This includes ones EVERYONE breaks like speeding of any kind and rolling stop signs. Driving for me is such a pleasure and it really does feel like someone has taken away my freedom. Oppressed isn’t the right word, perhaps restricted. I am currently breaking one traffic law by driving around with my brights on. My left headlight went out and I have a very small low car. I’ve had to do this before and no one ever really flashes me. I guess my brights aren’t anything compared to luxury SUVs nowadays. I ran a yellow light today and it is possible that since I was traveling under the speed limit my rear tires didn’t make it across before it turned red. So there’s that to confess. I really find it more distracting needing to make sure I’m never speeding than when I just drive with the feel of the road. I would consider myself a very safe driver. I just adhere to more of the reason behind laws rather than the letters they want to enforce. Positively, I had so little need to concentrate on the act of driving itself, I was more leisurely observant of my surroundings. It was like I was on a nice walk instead of a recreational run in the park.

1/5

Today I did a good deal of driving. I really wasn’t much slower than normal getting to places, I just enjoyed the journey much less. It really is very difficult NEVER to breach the speed limit. And I’m treating it just as such: a limit. This is a number regulating how fast I go so I cannot possibly endanger anyone. I’m so used to driving according to feel rather than numbers that it just takes more to do so. I have noticed a small amount of pride pop up every now and then regarding my decision. Because virtually no one goes less than the speed limit, I have this small sense that I’m better than everyone for following the rules. I wish I didn’t have these feelings but they come nonetheless. It’s like I’m a Pharisee in a world of sinners.

1/6

As I was reading about some of the different experiences of the people addicted to hard drugs, I began to think about authenticity. If the goal of my (or anyone’s) life is to enjoy myself as much as possible – having the most amount of bliss/ecstasy I can – then why can’t I take a lot of crack or heroin and die young? Old age is generally not blissful and from what I’ve seen can be quite harsh. Why not go out in a blaze of glory, young and in control? Is that not a worthwhile life to live, completely euphoric albeit selfish. If there was a machine you could plug yourself into that created wonderful experiences and gave you nothing but pleasure, would you choose to step inside? If so, how long? Two hours, two weeks, an entire lifetime? Would it be a waste or is that still an authentic life? We would say it isn’t natural but I would ask what is? If we have certain receptors in our brain for bliss and they consistently make us feel amazing, why not use them as much as possible? If we have the capacity, what is wrong with exploring that? Isn’t that natural? Just because I’m a tight-wad that won’t do anything to excite (or indeed relax) my senses, doesn’t mean that people the do are morally wrong. I think that society has one of our fundamental goals wrong: to live as long as possible. If you think about it, nearly every one of our laws and judgments facilitates safety or civil stability. I can see how drug use can harm other people, but if we created a safe environment for people to use these wondrous drugs recreationally only harming their own bodies, then that should be legal. If we permit smoking and drinking in public places legally, then something should be done. In the distant past, I would not have been judged evil for using a hallucinogen. In fact I might be considered wise and godly. Why is it that if I trip on acid now that I have committed this great sin? Also, I really am not enjoying driving. Sure the world would be more patient if everyone drove under the speed limit, but would we be happier? Probably. As long as I had a track to go to on the weekends.

1/7

I had a moment of enjoyment going slowly on a street I never go slowly on today. It didn’t last long, but I saw a glimpse of how speed matters so little compared to slowness. How gravity is both the weakest and most relentless force in the universe. About how slow and steady wins the race because it is only then can you realize there’s no race to be won. Like I said, it didn’t last long but it was there. I’m getting mixed reactions from people about what I’m doing. Some people instantly condemned me because “you must have been a horrible and reckless driver to need to abstain from breaking the rules.” I’ve stopped defending myself against acquaintances, because their opinion doesn’t change or affect anything. I’m looking forward to diving into the Change book and going to some meetings soon. This will be my first experience with a 12 step program and they’re right: we can’t endorse something we’ve never tried to get to know.

1/8

My tag expired a week ago so I went to Lex to renew it and was doing really well being very legal in every possible way. It started to rain really hard and one of the lights went out on a main road. There was a point where I was turning at the light and was so caught up in doing everything legally that I didn’t see the car coming straight at me. Everything was fine and no one wrecked but the point is I stopped thinking about safety for legality and nearly had a crash. After thinking about it, it kind of messed with my head that I nearly had a wreck because I was so preoccupied with rules. So, I drove normally the whole way home because I was really tired and just wanted to get home safely. So that’s my first real lapse episode.

1/9

I’m not big on conformity for conformity’s sake and would much much much rather do things others are doing because they are good, honorable, righteous (or other motivational words) to do. “Deviant” behavior is simply “not following the rules.” I have an affinity for such things. Some rules I follow religiously, others I disregard entirely. Most however, I look at the rule in its contexts, I look at the reasons for the rule, I look at my situations to understand the effects on myself, and then take liberties that the rule doesn’t want me to. I don’t do it all the time, just some of the time. That’s exactly how I approach driving.

So there’s some thoughts for you. If you have any of your own, please let me know in the COMMENTS section. Also, I’ve acquired two more credit cards. At first you might think I’m mad but hear me out. Currently I have a Mastercard at 13%. I’m a wonderful customer with no late payments. So I called them and had them lower my APR to 12%. Cool enough. But I decided to fully take advantage of my excellent credit and get an even better card. So after I pay off my current card, I’ll have a American Express at 10% (fixed!) and a MC at 12% (fixed!) and both with points for stuff or cash back instead of nothing. So I’ll use the Mastercard only in places the AE isn’t taken but it’ll still have a good APR. I plan on using the credit industry well and anyone who pays attention to such things knows that 9.99% fixed is quite good.