DStilled

Shower Abstinence

Happy happy joy joy! I can drive like I want again! Not that this isn’t ever not true, but self-imposed restrictions for empathetic purposes have hindered such as of late. It is quite wonderful and I missed it. Here are the last couple of entries in my log followed by something I’ve been up to in my bathroom.

1/21
I must confess that I broke the traffic laws many times today. I started to forget about the regulation I had put on myself and just drove slowly for driving’s sake. In other words, I’ve been driving slower for a while now and I got a better “feel” for it. So I was driving according to that feel instead of every 2 seconds looking at the speedo. But this of course caused me to speed up slightly when something would happen or whatever. So probably about 10 times I went anywhere from 1-4 miles an hour over the limit. My first thoughts were of rationalization and minimization and these are the exact ways I convince myself that any wrong thing I do is ok. They are powerful tools that all addicts utilize. When I eat too much, when I skip responsibilities, when I put people down, and when I break laws designed for safety, I can always justify it. I have learned not to enough that change is possible, but the immediate response is still there. One of the things addicts have taught me is to get out of myself. I need to focus on others and God to truly develop a sense of selflessness and humility. It is only through these that I can break the cycles of negative habits and replace them with positive change. Honestly, it inspires me. I don’t have nearly the things going against me and I’ve got more going for me; of course I can change! Now’s the matter of what am I ready to change? Or perhaps better put, what am I ready to let go? Wow, those bodhisattvas sure are on to something here.

1/22
Went to the Morton Center today. It was nice and everything but we didn’t get nearly the experience of the patients like we did at the Healing Place. I was impressed with the staff and facilities. Because they take a systems approach, all their rooms are able to accommodate families and groups. Alcoholism certainly seems like a problem with the system instead of the individual and that means a systems method is the way to help the patients. I’m not sure I could see myself there as a practicum site, but then again maybe its because I’d rather not. I’m ready for some speed under my wheels.

1/23
I’m very much looking forward to running my errands tomorrow because I will be free to disregard the laws! Wow that sounds so much worse than it feels. But basically, I’ll be once again able to drive according to feel and laws instead of only by rules. I will incorporate some of what I’ve learned into my driving from now on, but for tomorrow, I’m just not going to worry about that. My car’s going to think, “I thought you had decided to be super duper nice you me from now on.” Turns out, I didn’t even get that much better gas mileage, which surprised me. If I was getting 28 mpg before, I got maybe 30 going extra slow. I guess that is a testament that my “normal” driving isn’t fierce, just harder.
I was talking to someone today about my day, and I had to remark that I was annoyed most of the class. When we were comparing the Healing Place and the Morton Center it seemed like everyone was nit picking apart the two places trying to make them “better.” That’s all well and good but something about it irked me. I like critique and constructive criticism as much as the next scientist, but here in the social sciences, there was something fundamentally wrong with what they were doing. I don’t think anyone would say that everyone fits a treatment plan or a plan fits everyone. However, people kept harping on what each place lacked (mainly looking down upon the Healing Place) instead of seeing that they don’t lack anything for the patients they help. It was as if everyone is searching for a universal integrative systems model instead of seeing the specific usefulness of each model in its specific place and time. I was really just getting annoyed. So often I feel like that’s what these systems thinkers are doing: trying to make a system that everything fits into, trying to make a system where no one is left out. It’s ok to have more than one system! I like it that the Healing Place doesn’t do therapy the way you think it needs to be done! Many of these patients’ brains work differently and don’t/can’t process they way you want them to! It’s as if they didn’t get to the heart of being empathic at all in this course.

So now that THAT is over let me tell you what I learned: I need endorphines! Endorphines are the hormones in your body that come alive when you become active or productive. They are adrenaline’s casual cousin, if you want to think about it that way. This class was about change and the thing that needs to change in my life right now is how sedentary I am. So I’m napping less and trying to do more. Everything I do at school, work, counseling, and study, I do sitting down. I’ve “evolved” passed the blue-collar line of living and do everything with my mind and words. I don’t like it! I NEED motion and physical exertion! One of the happiest times in my life was when I was working full time at NTB, going to school full time, rock climbing, playing basketball, and racquetball every week. I was also in the best shape of my adult life. I’m not unfit now by any means but I’m sedentary and that’s what has got to change.

So, in almost everyone’s bathroom there exists a showerhead. Some are very simple and then others are very fancy. I’ve made a simply fancy showerhead out of pvc and ingenuity. It works of course and is a joy to be in. This project grew out of my desire to be overwhelmed by the hot water at the end of the shower time. So one day I filled the tub up and soaked like it was a hot tub. Very nice. However, when I pulled the plug, the pipes started to freak out below me and my neighbors underneath had small geysers of muck coming up in their tubs! I won’t be doing that anymore. It is detachable so I’ll take this with me to anyplace I live, and I’ll paint it eventually. It cost me a little more for start-up, but I’m going to market them for $20 if anyone wants one. Just let me know by clicking Comments. Happy Groundhog Day-ish!

Redbox Abstinence

Here’s my last few days living still in an abstaining, change oriented life:

1/15
So today was just another day like any other. A day where I just drove according to all the laws. I did just barely bump over the speed limit a couple of times on an onramp and another time in a slow neighborhood. Both of those times I was paying attention more to my surroundings than my exact speed. So I feel ok about such glitches. I really am looking forward to taking corners a bit harder though when this is all over. That’s where the reality of the drive gets me the most. I’m going to try to incorporate the slowness and gentleness more in my driving after this stint, but I’m not going to be so freaking legalistic about it. Slowness is about safety first. As of right now, I’m accepting the risk that harder driving incurs. It is worth it for the love of driving. But the people around me aren’t and my driving can change for their sake. So if I’m not thrashing it about in a safe environment, then I’ll go 4 over instead of 9. It’s not getting there that’s the big deal; it’s the love of the journey.

1/16
Eh. Sometimes this place weirds me out. LPTS can sometimes be too mystical for my tastes of what a seminary should be about in its teachings. I’m just not comfortable with matters of social work being THAT spiritual. I know God is found and revealed in all facets of life, but it just seems like people here really are just a bunch of hippies. I like hippies and often want to be associated with them, but I never actually want to be one. New Age thinking just makes me laugh sometimes. Other times it is an affront to my faith with its lack of Biblical understanding of the personhood of Jesus. If I was going to Southern right now, my issue would be the opposite: it would be an affront to my faith with its lack of experiential understanding of the personhood of Jesus. It’s just crazy that I can go a week straight in a seminary and never have the Bible come up in conversation or class. I don’t like that. I find mysticism to be very attractive to me, but I would really want to balance it heavily with Biblical work. Perhaps I should get an MDiv.

1/17
I’m scared of this possible oncoming wave of change in my life. I’m scared because I won’t be changing what I do, but how I do them. I won’t be changing big things in normal terms (job, where I live) but the little things that get me through. I’m scared because my greatest friend in the whole world expects me to change always (because she knows it is good for her) and I’m not going to. I’m afraid of losing our connection because she is going to give up on me. I like how I live most of the time and recognize the waves of down I have to get through to make it to the ups. I’m ok with that. She is not. Mainly because I’m very ok with who I am. I like me. By her being obsessed with change, I believe that as she doesn’t like the current me, and if I change she might not like the future me. This is of course a lie, but I’ve internalized it for so long that I believe it. I’m looking forward to going to the Healing Place tomorrow and then the NA meeting after the worship service tomorrow night. I need some church in my life right now.

1/18
The Healing Place was a good visit, even in my tired, groggy state. I liked the program they set up and it obviously works for a lot of people. Seeing how the place started and is still a homeless shelter really fills my heart. I know change and abstinence can’t be easy for these people, and the structure and support the Healing Place provides is just the ticket to recovery. Community meeting was insightful to say the least. There were times I felt uncomfortable for people in the room, but that really had to do with me than them. It was interesting how easily they made that clear.
I’ve studied how human beings flourish and research says we all need three things: meaningful work, loving relationships, and a connection to something bigger than we are. The 12 step model certainly allows people to flourish. I went to Highland Baptist tonight for the worship service and then the NA meeting. The service was nice and all but the meeting was better. 95% of the people on this earth believe in a higher power of one kind or another. Going to a room full of addicts and rejects opens my eyes to how small God is to me. Maybe all the heathen liberals are right. Maybe God manifests Himself in ways wholly non-Christian to people. Well, I guess I didn’t have a problem with that part. It’s salvation that the “details” seem to matter. Fundamentalism is just wrapped up so nicely that if you start taking off the paper on the corners, you might as well just take it all off. Not today for me. I’ll leave that faith crisis for another time.

1/19
I read today that AA never wanted to be a treatment center but the goal was to simply help people maintain their sobriety. I thought that was very insightful and humble of the framers to do. They recognized that all people are different and AA is just one of many ways people can be freed from the burden of alcoholism. More importantly, steps 2-11 are all about bettering one’s life rather than combating alcoholism directly. This method allows for traits such as service, humility, tolerance, and community to develop as a manifestation of the change away from the drug. It’s nice to have something to focus on when your focus is off. It’s even more important for that focus to be helped by people who have gone through it before. These changes are to come out of faith in God, but there again the framers had the foresight to realize everyone’s God is as different as they are. I really am impressed with 12 step programs.

1/20
I drove around today for the first time for fun since I’ve been under this restriction. I didn’t choose any wonderful winding roads like I normally would for fun, but instead a long, straight commercial strip. I was cruisin’ for real. I did have a destination but I took the long way ‘round and almost forgot about the legal oppression I normally feel. It was nice. Like I’ve said, if I could thrash my car around on the weekends somewhere at a track, then I’d drive more like this all the time!

Many of you may have visited a McDonald’s or grocery store recently and noticed a DVD rental thing outside. It’s a small red kiosk with a TV in the middle of it. This is called Redbox and it is wonderful. For $1 a day you can rent any movie they have in the box, around 50 titles and mostly new releases. So today I rented Live Free or Die Hard, Sunshine, Dragon Wars, and Rattatouille. Needless to say it was a movie day. So I have until tomorrow at 9pm to return them to any Redbox kiosk. Everything is computerized so it’s all connected to the same network. If you so desire, you can even buy the DVD for $7. You have to pay with a card (oh! how sad that bills and quarters are obsolete with such a convenient kiosk!) so I’m sure you’d get fined if you didn’t return the movie. Since it is all computerized, you can also go online to see what each Redbox has at any given time (since you can return DVDs to any place, the collection is organic) and reserve it so it will be there when you pick it up. I think this is a wonderful alternative to Blockbuster not just because it is PROFOUNDLY cheaper, but because it is SO easy! I recommend using it at least once just to see for yourself. In the age of easy pirated software, we need to support good, inexpensive, and easy ways of providing entertainment. I for one will with Redbox. Their motto on the web is Copious. Ubiquitous. Righteous. For you Lexington peeps, the only place right now is at Wal-Mart in Tates Creek South on Saron Dr. Charlottesville’s got like 5 and anyone else just go the website to look it up near you. Happy Martin Luther King Jr. Day!

Movies Abstinence

So this silly plan of abstinence continues on. It isn’t real, all of us are going back to whatever it is we are giving up as soon as the three weeks are over, and I’m really torn up inside about making authentic changes. Here’s my continued journal:

1/10
I thought today that I should have given something else up for this period of time. Loud music. It’s something that find difficult to live without. It’s something that has real effects on my health especially long term. So I tried to include an appropriate volume in my ridiculous driving for the latter part of my day. It left me lacking. Like, if I’m going to abstain, then I should have no music in the car. That would be tough for a long period of time. Especially on road trips I take every now and then. I’ve “fasted” from music before and it certainly wasn’t pleasurable, but it did allow me to pray more. A lot more. That’s where I’ve really had some trouble with this whole idea: where do I find the difference between fasting and abstaining? I don’t really know. Hopefully I’ll find that answer in this experiment.
1/11
I went to an AA meeting tonight. Hi. I’m Daniel and I’m a visitor. Hi, Daniel. I actually didn’t say anything because it was a good sized meeting (60 people) with a speaker. They started off having different people read off things about the group and AA. I’m guessing it was all from the Big Book but no one actually was reading from one. It was someone’s “birthday” today so everyone who got up acknowledged it and she spoke briefly with her sponsor. The birthday girl got her two year medallion and had the privilege of choosing the speaker. She chose someone who she had met working at the Healing Place. The speaker’s story was one of denial, normalcy, and eventually recovery. God continually worked and is still working in her life to help others with alcoholism.
It was church. For everyone there it was church. For me, it was church. By all accounts, church is a gathering of people for the purpose of healing. There was community. There was faith. There was an offering. The meeting even took place in a church building. The intimacy and compassion in that room was attractive. I felt ok. It was nice to feel that way amongst strangers. This most definitely won’t be my last meeting.
1/12
Change is a funny thing. We are almost always afraid of it and yet somewhere inside of us we know it’s good. I have a friend who says she needs to live in perpetual change. I think she’s on to something. The problem is that I like being comfortable way too much. And that’s the one thing change isn’t: comfortable. I don’t really feel like writing tonight.
1/13
After reading the change book for a while now, I realized that very few of my “behaviors” that might signify problems are beyond the precontemplation (first) stage. I have one or two in all stages but the vast majority are either termination or precontemplation. What does this mean for me? Well, I suppose it means that I’m apathetic and comfortable, which both seem true enough. I like who I am and where I am so why should I keep changing everything. Even though I know I’ll be better for it.
One of the reasons why I think I’m at this juncture now is that I’ve recently gone through many changes, some of which have altered the very core of me. I’m tired and I want to be left alone for a bit longer. Constantly reading, thinking, and talking about change is bound to lead to some and I just don’t want too much right now. One very positive one that I think will come out of this will hopefully be a local church I can be a part of with friends and everything. I really haven’t had one in quite a while and currently I’m motivated. So this change I would be in the preparation stage. And from what I’m reading, seeing positive feedback from one change will help motivate me to move stages for other changes I want to someday make. God is with me the whole way. I love watching Him work in my life.
1/14
“Have the attitude of Christ, and change the world.” My old pastor said that in a sermon on Sunday talking about Philippians. He said that often change doesn’t occur necessarily through attitudes first, but it sure does help. Sometime we have to do like the paraphrase of CS Lewis: Fake it ‘til you make it. Currently I really don’t want to change any of my behaviors that much. I don’t really want to change my attitude either. However, I know that having the mind of Christ will give me a renaissance. “That He did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped.” Wow. Talk about humble. If I could come even a smidge closer to that my life would be extraordinary.
I wonder what all these psychologists and whatnot would say if that’s the only change I want to make. “Good idea. What would that look like?” Well, I don’t really know. I just know that I need to earnestly seek God’s will for my life through prayer and study of the Bible and the rest will follow. I was talking to some people about what Meyers-Briggs Jesus was. I’m as good as an expert as any to say, and I went with INFP. And according to our protestant, reformed view of the Bible, that does seem to be accurate. So I ask myself, how can I change to be more like that. What positive F and P traits can I work on to be more Christ-like? (I’m INTJ with J borderline) Now, if Christ really was the incarnation of God, then He would most likely have been all positive traits of all eight letters when the times were appropriate but we only have so much to go on from the Gospels. So is the test biased toward INFPs? Is reformed Christianity? I want to seek to change myself into the likeness of Jesus, I would like to have some idea of which direction I’m moving. At least, for the stages of change theory to work it would seem like that is ideal.

I’ve been watching some great old movies lately. Charlie Chaplin’s Modern Times. All About Eve. The Sting. One Million Years B.C. Dr. Strangelove or How I Stopped Worrying And Loved The Bomb. Road To Rio. The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly. Seven Samurai. One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest. Just catching up on lots of famous or wonderful movies I’ve never seen. I’ve got a bid in for The Jazz Singer on ebay so hopefully I’ll get that on as well. If you have any must sees on your list, please let me know, I would love to expand my culture even further. TTFN!

Credit Abstinence

Dictionary.com defines abstinence as 1. Forbearance from any indulgence or appetite and 2. Any self-restraint, self-denial, or forbearance. I am currently taking a class on chemical dependency for seminary. Part of the class is to abstain from something for the duration of the course. I thought I’d give you some of my journal’s from the past week to give you an idea of what I’ve been going through.

1/4

I just got back from my first drive since I decided to abstain from any traffic violations. This includes ones EVERYONE breaks like speeding of any kind and rolling stop signs. Driving for me is such a pleasure and it really does feel like someone has taken away my freedom. Oppressed isn’t the right word, perhaps restricted. I am currently breaking one traffic law by driving around with my brights on. My left headlight went out and I have a very small low car. I’ve had to do this before and no one ever really flashes me. I guess my brights aren’t anything compared to luxury SUVs nowadays. I ran a yellow light today and it is possible that since I was traveling under the speed limit my rear tires didn’t make it across before it turned red. So there’s that to confess. I really find it more distracting needing to make sure I’m never speeding than when I just drive with the feel of the road. I would consider myself a very safe driver. I just adhere to more of the reason behind laws rather than the letters they want to enforce. Positively, I had so little need to concentrate on the act of driving itself, I was more leisurely observant of my surroundings. It was like I was on a nice walk instead of a recreational run in the park.

1/5

Today I did a good deal of driving. I really wasn’t much slower than normal getting to places, I just enjoyed the journey much less. It really is very difficult NEVER to breach the speed limit. And I’m treating it just as such: a limit. This is a number regulating how fast I go so I cannot possibly endanger anyone. I’m so used to driving according to feel rather than numbers that it just takes more to do so. I have noticed a small amount of pride pop up every now and then regarding my decision. Because virtually no one goes less than the speed limit, I have this small sense that I’m better than everyone for following the rules. I wish I didn’t have these feelings but they come nonetheless. It’s like I’m a Pharisee in a world of sinners.

1/6

As I was reading about some of the different experiences of the people addicted to hard drugs, I began to think about authenticity. If the goal of my (or anyone’s) life is to enjoy myself as much as possible – having the most amount of bliss/ecstasy I can – then why can’t I take a lot of crack or heroin and die young? Old age is generally not blissful and from what I’ve seen can be quite harsh. Why not go out in a blaze of glory, young and in control? Is that not a worthwhile life to live, completely euphoric albeit selfish. If there was a machine you could plug yourself into that created wonderful experiences and gave you nothing but pleasure, would you choose to step inside? If so, how long? Two hours, two weeks, an entire lifetime? Would it be a waste or is that still an authentic life? We would say it isn’t natural but I would ask what is? If we have certain receptors in our brain for bliss and they consistently make us feel amazing, why not use them as much as possible? If we have the capacity, what is wrong with exploring that? Isn’t that natural? Just because I’m a tight-wad that won’t do anything to excite (or indeed relax) my senses, doesn’t mean that people the do are morally wrong. I think that society has one of our fundamental goals wrong: to live as long as possible. If you think about it, nearly every one of our laws and judgments facilitates safety or civil stability. I can see how drug use can harm other people, but if we created a safe environment for people to use these wondrous drugs recreationally only harming their own bodies, then that should be legal. If we permit smoking and drinking in public places legally, then something should be done. In the distant past, I would not have been judged evil for using a hallucinogen. In fact I might be considered wise and godly. Why is it that if I trip on acid now that I have committed this great sin? Also, I really am not enjoying driving. Sure the world would be more patient if everyone drove under the speed limit, but would we be happier? Probably. As long as I had a track to go to on the weekends.

1/7

I had a moment of enjoyment going slowly on a street I never go slowly on today. It didn’t last long, but I saw a glimpse of how speed matters so little compared to slowness. How gravity is both the weakest and most relentless force in the universe. About how slow and steady wins the race because it is only then can you realize there’s no race to be won. Like I said, it didn’t last long but it was there. I’m getting mixed reactions from people about what I’m doing. Some people instantly condemned me because “you must have been a horrible and reckless driver to need to abstain from breaking the rules.” I’ve stopped defending myself against acquaintances, because their opinion doesn’t change or affect anything. I’m looking forward to diving into the Change book and going to some meetings soon. This will be my first experience with a 12 step program and they’re right: we can’t endorse something we’ve never tried to get to know.

1/8

My tag expired a week ago so I went to Lex to renew it and was doing really well being very legal in every possible way. It started to rain really hard and one of the lights went out on a main road. There was a point where I was turning at the light and was so caught up in doing everything legally that I didn’t see the car coming straight at me. Everything was fine and no one wrecked but the point is I stopped thinking about safety for legality and nearly had a crash. After thinking about it, it kind of messed with my head that I nearly had a wreck because I was so preoccupied with rules. So, I drove normally the whole way home because I was really tired and just wanted to get home safely. So that’s my first real lapse episode.

1/9

I’m not big on conformity for conformity’s sake and would much much much rather do things others are doing because they are good, honorable, righteous (or other motivational words) to do. “Deviant” behavior is simply “not following the rules.” I have an affinity for such things. Some rules I follow religiously, others I disregard entirely. Most however, I look at the rule in its contexts, I look at the reasons for the rule, I look at my situations to understand the effects on myself, and then take liberties that the rule doesn’t want me to. I don’t do it all the time, just some of the time. That’s exactly how I approach driving.

So there’s some thoughts for you. If you have any of your own, please let me know in the COMMENTS section. Also, I’ve acquired two more credit cards. At first you might think I’m mad but hear me out. Currently I have a Mastercard at 13%. I’m a wonderful customer with no late payments. So I called them and had them lower my APR to 12%. Cool enough. But I decided to fully take advantage of my excellent credit and get an even better card. So after I pay off my current card, I’ll have a American Express at 10% (fixed!) and a MC at 12% (fixed!) and both with points for stuff or cash back instead of nothing. So I’ll use the Mastercard only in places the AE isn’t taken but it’ll still have a good APR. I plan on using the credit industry well and anyone who pays attention to such things knows that 9.99% fixed is quite good.